Never Say Never?

One would think that I would have learned to omit the word never from my vocabulary after learning multiple times that, when I say I will never do something, I find myself veering towards and eventually walking on the famously familiar I-Said-I'd-Never-Do-This Path.

It all started when I swore that, after I graduated high school, I would never set foot on a school campus again.  I didn't like school and couldn't wait to get out.  As the word never left my lips, my feet started walking towards the path of becoming a teacher, where I would spend the weekdays of my life on a school campus.

While walking towards the path to become a teacher, I had to take the CSET to prove proficiency in grammar, literature, and writing.  The first time I took the test, I couldn't believe some of the questions that I had to answer.  As I marked an unknown answer to a question that asked me to choose the grouping of poets that were influential during the Renaissance, I whispered, "Why do I need to know this? I will never teach AP English!"  Four years later, I remembered what I said and shook my head as I typed the syllabus for my AP English course.

I grew up spending much time, and then eventually living in, a funeral home. Many, many times, I had nightmares about the things that I heard about and/or saw while I was there, so I didn't think that I could handle being in that environment on a consistent basis.  My body would tense up and I would get an eerie tingly feeling when I would walk by the embalming room (even when the door was closed). So, after we made the decision to move to San Diego, so that Christopher could start a new career as a Funeral Director at my dad's funeral home, I should have known not to say that I would never be able to work there.  We all know how that turned out. Before I took a step forward onto the path to working at a funeral home, I agreed to work with my dad with the promise that I could just stay at my desk and would never need go in the back.  Within the first week, I was in the back room helping with someone who was not more than two months older that I am.

There are very few things that make me feel more alive than the simple act of recognizing and reflecting on the fact that I am still alive. Through all the busy things I do, it isn't often that I am able to actually remember that those who are living are walking and talking miracles. Having the ability to breathe, move, speak, and do-sometimes without even really noticing what I am doing- is incredible to me. Being able to feel emotions, think profound or silly thoughts, and create a combination of words that bring people into understanding what is in my brain baffles me.  With the many times that I have been around a funeral home, I have not had as much of a reality check about the fragility of life, as I have over the past week.  Seeing the beautiful, but lifeless, face of someone validated that for me.  For many people, I'm sure this would be a scary thought; I even thought it would be more frightening to allow myself to think that deeply about my own death. However, looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about the fact that I will be in the same circumstance, someday, was incredibly liberating.  

I can say that, regarding the things I never thought I'd do, I am glad that I was wrong. These things shaped me to be who I am today, and I wouldn't want anything- the good, the bad, the frightening, or the liberating- to have been any different.